Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
