I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
