I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Randomize