how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Randomize
