I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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