Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
