my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
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