this beer tastes like vomit already
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Randomize
