She went from zero to smokin in five shots
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
