Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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