it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
