Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
