totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize