I wish my penis had an off switch
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Randomize