When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
