Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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