at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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