I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
