i already hear my dad disowning me
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
