Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
