I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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