if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
someone get that fucking seahorse.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize