I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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