Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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