come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
He has the fingertips of a God
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