she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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