god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
