I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
You ate ashes out of my bong
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
