I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
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