Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
