True but thats because hes a fetus.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
