Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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