I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
