No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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