Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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