my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
