I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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