I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
im on a boat
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