do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
