i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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