I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
