So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
