I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Randomize
