How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
