He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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