porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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