Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
