I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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