My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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