You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize