what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
