Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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