Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
