Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize